Porn and Relationships

In the last few years a remarkable change has taken place in Britain and many other western countries.

In 2014, huge numbers of men and women are looking at explicit sexual material on the internet. Statistics indicate that sex is by far the most popular search term on the web.

And recent American studies show that 68 per cent of young adult males and 18 per cent of young adult females look at porn at least once a week.

Perhaps it’s not surprising then that there are increasing worries about the availability of porn and the degree to which it demeans women.

Quite a number of sex and relationship therapists are now concerned about how porn can skew what people expect in their own bedrooms.

And many women are anxious and upset about being asked to do things within a sexual relationship that they feel are extreme and unnatural – but which they know are activities that their partners perceive as normal because of seeing them on the internet.

These activities are likely to include the man ejaculating onto the woman's face and anal sex – both of which are now seen as 'routine' by some men who view porn.

In early 2014, a group of distinguished female academics wrote to 'The Times' to complain that violent pornography online is becoming the default sex educator for some young people.

And there are a growing number of women's groups on the internet who are strongly opposed to all porn. They feel that it's insulting and degrading to all females. One correspondent told me: 'Porn turns women into anonymous meat.'

On the other hand, many women in sexual relationships will – on occasion – quite happily watch some forms of porn with their male, or female, partners. And a growing number of women who are single, or away from home on business, will access porn themselves in order to masturbate to gain sexual relief and have a good night's sleep.

So, there are wide differences in how people feel about pornography, and it seems likely that there is going to be more and more debate about what porn is doing to our society.

Can porn be part of a normal relationship?

Our answer to that question would be a qualified 'yes'.

There is no doubt that many couples experiment with the use of porn as an aid to perking up their sex lives, for example by sometimes watching an explicit DVD together. And sex education videos are often arousing as well as informative.

Also, a lot of women like erotic stories. Some females prefer to read alone to get themselves turned on. Others like their man to read to them in bed.

So for some couples, using pornography and erotica works well.

How women see porn

There has always been a difference between men and women where porn is concerned.

Men tend to be turned on by things they can see, such as naked females, while women seem to prefer the images and fantasies they have in their heads.

For this reason, women often don't enjoy the sort of porn that men usually like. If the people on the screen don't appeal to them, they don't get turned on.

Women can also feel uneasy and inferior about the bodily 'perfection' of the women in porn. This can put them off sex, rather than turn them on to it.

A woman can feel threatened by her man's enjoyment of these images and quickly feel that if a man is enthusiastic about porn, he must be losing interest in her. This is often not the case at all.

Whether women like it or not, because porn is so available, a lot of men are going to view it.

How men see porn

Statistics indicate that many men like porn of some sort or another. Their arousal is linked to images, and from their teens they are likely to masturbate while looking at pictures of female bodies.

Lots of men use porn for quick masturbation – and this can happen even if they are in a sexually satisfying relationship. Some women have a problem with a man seeking solo relief, but in fact huge numbers of normally-sexed men do this routinely.

Men will often say that porn-assisted masturbation is intense, uncomplicated – and relaxing.

They also put it in a separate compartment: porn is just an 'extra' that has no impact on their feelings for their partner or relationship.

Men in general do not view porn or solo sex as a sign of infidelity.

What problems can porn cause?

There are unfortunate consequences from the new, widespread availability of porn.

1. The accessibility of porn to children

There is an enormous amount of sexual material on the internet that should not be seen by children.

If you have kids in your home, make sure any computer they use is fitted with a filter that prevents access to adult material.

2. Availability of eccentric sexual material

A quick web search will return sites that most people would find upsetting. They cover topics like incest, coprophilia (sex involving faeces) and zoophilia (sex with animals).

Unless you are compiling a textbook of sexual psychopathology, these sites are best avoided.

3. Availability of violent or cruel material

There is a lot of porn on the net that glorifies violence, particularly against women. There have been suggestions that some of this could provoke men to harm their partners or commit rape.

The British government is still looking at ways to curb this sort of pornography.

4. Availability of material involving children

Sadly, it has become clear that a large number of men (and a few women) are fascinated by the idea of sex with minors.

Much research is going on to find out if the availability of 'kiddy-porn' is increasing the incidence of paedophiliac behaviour. We advise staying well away from anything that mentions the words 'teen' or 'young'.

5. Raising false expectations about sex and body image

Erotic material tends to give men and women impossibly high 'targets' to aim for in the sexual field.

Young men get the idea that they should have huge penises and be able to climax again and again, carrying on all night.
Young women get misleading notions about what their bodies should look like. They don't realise that the pictures of the models are heavily air-brushed so their bodies – and especially their vaginal openings – look impossibly neat and tidy.
Some younger men are surprised by what most of us would regard as normal pubic hair. They have seen so much porn imagery where the women have little or no hair that they think this is the norm.
Young men assume it is acceptable to ejaculate on their partner's face or breasts. This sort of material is commonplace in porn, leading many men to think it's routine behaviour in the bedroom.

6. Exploitation of models and actors

Visual pornography involves the use of real people. While some young men and women are more than happy to take part in erotic photo sessions or films, for others there may well be an element of exploitation.

7. The tendency of the internet to encourage solitary sex

There's nothing wrong with a bit of solitary sex. When you are living on your own or are between relationships, masturbation is good.

Sex therapists have also found it can help women with arousal difficulties or anorgasmia (inability to climax).

But when porn becomes preferable to real, live sex with a loving partner, it indicates a problem.

Disregard of 'safe sex'

The great majority of 'performers' on the internet do not use condoms, Obviously, this is an appalling example to set to young people.

Are relationship problems because of porn common?

We would say that a problem with porn is almost exclusively a male thing.

In our practice we have never seen a woman who was addicted to porn or who preferred it to having sex with a partner.

But we have received a lot of complaints from women who are distressed that their male partners no longer want to make love to them, preferring to spend hours masturbating in front of porn.

This is a worrying trend, and we are not alone in our concerns. Various experts from Relate and the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapy (COSRT), have reported that solitary use of porn is a huge factor in relationship breakdown and that it is 'spiralling out of control'.

What to do if porn is a problem

It is a good idea if couples discuss their attitude to porn early on in their relationship and agree some house rules about how much porn is viewed or read and of what type. People often find this difficult, but communication is generally the key to keeping the habit within normal bounds.

If it is discussed before it becomes a huge problem, then the conversation can be calm and a woman can explain what works for her and what she might object to.

Such a conversation could also include the sexual relationship in general and could include the question of whether either party would like more variety – and if so, what.

Sometimes, women may know their man uses porn to masturbate, but they will decide not to broach the subject. This is understandable, but if you avoid discussing it until it becomes a problem, talking may no longer be effective.

A man who is addicted to porn may promise to change and to stop viewing internet images, but he probably won't.

He may assure his partner that he loves her, but it's quite possible that he won't stop accessing porn. He may even break down and cry and swear that he longs to give up all the porn, but it's unlikely he will manage this without professional help.

How to get help

Unfortunately, there's very little free help.

There is no medication that can stop a person from wanting to use porn. And though a GP may agree to refer a man to one of the NHS psychosexual clinics that exist in some areas of the country, waiting lists are usually very long indeed.

Some men, who come to accept they have a real problem, get help through Sex Addicts Anonymous. But they have to do this for themselves – much as someone with an alcohol addiction has to decide to go to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

Relate is a good source of help if the problem has not gone too far. It is particularly useful if the basic relationship between a man and woman is still healthy and both parties want to work together to help the man stop using porn.

There are some skilled therapists in the private sector who are expert in dealing with porn problems. They can be found through the following associations:

An acceptable vice?

There is no doubt that pornography has become more acceptable to people than in previous generations. It has also become much more readily available – mostly through the mushrooming of material on the internet.

Occasional use of pornography would now be deemed as normal by most experts. When it is used by couples or for solo sexual relief on an intermittent basis, it can be quite useful.

And there is no doubt that material such as The Lovers' Guide DVDs, which can be arousing but is essentially educational, has helped many couples to understand their bodies better and to improve their sex lives.

But the dark side of pornography and erotica is that it can quickly become addictive and isolating. In these circumstances, it is just a quick fix without emotional involvement.

Unfortunately, some individuals find it easier to retreat into their porno-world rather than deal with normal relationships, which are always going to have their ups, downs and complexities.

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Friday 28 March 2014