How to Be Not Terrible to Your Significant Other’s Roommate
Congratulations! You are in a relationship and having lots of passionate love-sex now. You spend every night together. You can’t stand to be apart. Which is great — for you two. But for your roommates, it is not great. Here’s how to be the best possible semi-permanent overnight guest.
1. WEAR PAJAMAS, OR AT LEAST UNDERWEAR
Your partner loves your naked bod. That’s their job. Their roommate doesn’t. That’s their job. Wear underwear, for everyone’s sake.
2. CONVERSE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON
It’s awkward because you’re there largely for the sex-having, the roommate knows it, you know they know it, and they know you know they know it. But they are still a person, with opinions about things like the weather, Game of Thrones, and drone strikes, so talk to them.
3. DON’T MOVE IN
Living in a place costs money. You aren’t paying that money, so you don’t get to live in that place. Presumably, you are living in a different place, and you guys should go there sometimes, and annoy that roommate. Alternately, do move in, and pay rent.
4. BUY SPONTANEOUS GROCERIES
Most things are forgiven if you occasionally show up with a case of beer and pasta primavera for everyone. Cherry tomatoes, cereal, grapefruits, tofu, and beef are also appreciated. Also, Scotch. Also, toilet paper.
5. TAKE YOUR GROSS HAIR OUT OF THE DRAIN
Take your gross hair out of the drain. It happens to everyone, but you don’t live there and still have to pretend you’re not gross.
6. DON’T SWING BY UNANNOUNCED WHEN YOUR PARTNER ISN’T THERE
You are not the creepy handyman. Just because you have a key doesn’t mean you have free reign. It’s nice to be alone and naked in your own house — give your partner’s roommate that gift.
7. YOU DON’T GET TO DVR WITHOUT ASKING
You like House Hunters International. Their roommate likes Grey’s Anatomy. You are a superior person obviously and get all the points, but they live there, so you can’t mess with their DVR.
8. SHOWER SEX IS A SOMETIMES FOOD
Bathrooms are a limited resource and you should respect them as the rare treasures that they are. Also, shower sex is terrible, so it’s fine.
9. DON’T EAT THEIR PEANUT BUTTER
We’ve all done it, but that doesn’t make it right. You and your boo share food and that is fine and adorable. Stealing their roommate’s food is not fine and not adorable, even if you are real hungry. If you can’t control yourself, at least replace it.
10. DO YOUR DISHES
If you do your own dishes, you are a civilized person worthy of love. If you do your own dishes and also extra dishes, you are a saint to be celebrated.
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