Online Date with Fish2Fish: How to Handle Controlling Behaviour

Thursday 5 September 2013

How to Handle Controlling Behaviour

The Problem

Your partner can be controlling in their behaviour, in order to get their own way.

You like to stay in control.

You or your partner spend much of your time thinking, planning and often worrying about the future.

You or your partner dread losing, or feeling out of control.

The Cause

If your partner is controlling, it means that they are terrified of losing control over their life, and more importantly, their emotions - they are afraid of feeling all the emotional pain that they have picked up during their life.

The control leads to all sorts of independent behaviours. They will have relationships, but try to lead them from the head rather than the heart. They are afraid of intimacy and close down their heart to protect themselves from their hidden pain, and that is why you don't sense much connection and love from them.

Controlling people mean well and usually want to do their best, but they often hurt people because they have lost their ability to show empathy.

The Solution

Here are three ways to work with somebody who is controlling (or reduce your temptation to control):

1. Somebody who is controlling is actually very afraid inside (although they will usually be unaware of this). If you can remember this, you will be less frightened yourself of the control and better able to respond to them in a way that helps them.

2. What they lack is a feeling of self-love. Their control is designed to compensate for this and make them feel better about themselves. Therefore think of how you can make them feel secure and loved. Model self-love and avoid reacting negatively to their control.

3. If you can, talk to them about their control and how it makes you and other people feel. Don't blame them but see if you can encourage them to talk about their feelings and why they control things. They are stuck in a independent state of mind and you can help them to open their heart again so they can better relate with you and other people. This will reduce their need to control.